My adrenaline levels flew to an unprecedented high, watching this episode. And it's only Episode 2. A lot more stuff happens in this one, (my review is visibly longer), with 2 significant characters dying, 2 significant creatures eating and 18 million people rejoicing.
--- SPOILER AND SPECULATION ALERT ---
*... dum dum dumdum, dum dum dumdum, dum dum dumdum, DMMM.*
North of the Wall:
We start inside the cave of The Three-Eyed Raven, where the Children of the Forest hide from the rest of the world. This storyline is very new territory for most fans.
Puberty has hit Bran like nothing else has (and keep in mind that he's fallen from a tower and hit the ground). Bran has been at the cave with his mentor, Mr. Three-Eyed Raven, since the end of Season 4, and they're seen tripping together on an uncomfortable weirwood bed. It looks like the two of them are doing their best 'Arya' impressions with their eyes, but they are actually greenseeing into the past.
In the vision, we see little Eddard and Benjen Stark, fighting cutely in a happy Stark-ruled Winterfell. Their elder sister Lyanna Stark, rides in on horseback. She asks Ben who he'd spar with when Ned goes to the Eyrie to be fostered by Jon Arryn, and suggests the enormous stableboy, Wylis. Clearly, Lyanna isn't all that concerned with Ben's well-being.
Young Hodor, under the moniker Wylis, has been going to SAT classes and speaks fluently. Ned judges that the unskilled Wylis is a fair match for Benjen, and the two pick up their wooden arms. However, Hodor's mum, Old Nan, comes running out and forbids him from fighting. It seems that the traumatizing embarrassment of that was enough to drive him incapable of speech.
Bran is then told that it's time to leave but he doesn't want to. Mr. Miyagi gives zero fucks and forces him out of the vision, likening too much greenseeing to drowning in the ocean. Bran says, "I wasn't drowning. I was home." Bran then sees the present Hodor and they have a conversation. Here's a rough translation:
Bran: "Wylis"
Hodor: "You tripping? It's Hodor."
Bran: "I saw you as a boy. You could talk. What happened?"
Hodor: "If I could tell you, would we be having this conversation? And why did it take you 6 seasons to ask me that, you inconsiderate little shit?"
Bran: "Where's Meera?"
Hodor: "No. NO. You're getting WAY too heavy for that, you pubescent vegetable. Do I look like your bloody camel? I am not carrying you to her."
Hodor carries Bran to Meera. Outside, Bran tells her about Hodor's past, but she's preoccupied with something else: the coming war. More importantly, she's upset that Bran is training unproductively inside the cave, and voices her opinion. Snubbed, Bran decides to leave. Hodor barely gets a break, and has to carry Bran back. Poor guy was probably so disappointed when he found that the Three-Eyed Raven wasn't teaching Bran how to actually fly. After they leave, one of the 'Children' reassures Meera that this phase is temporary, and that Bran will soon need her help, 'out there.'
This is just an introductory scene to establish what Bran's powers are - he can look into his family's past. It also introduces Lyanna Stark, a dead but important character in the show. I believe Bran's powers could be the show's way of revealing some facts and secrets that no one else alive possibly can. Perhaps even secrets like R + L = J? Anyhow, we can be sure to expect some more visions with Bran in the coming episodes. It's like the only thing interesting about him.
Castle Black
It's the best episode for the Castle Black plotline.
It's night, and Thorne and his treacherous compadres are waiting for Davos' team to come out in 'peace'. Thorne has men with crossbows at the ready, and inside, everyone draws their swords too. It's going to be Pandavas vs. 2/5th of the Kauravas. Thorne sees that peace isn't an option and he gets a man to start hacking at the wooden door with an axe. Davos and co. just stand and watch as the door gets assaulted. They should do something, at least move a little away. Splinter is coming.
Ghost growls viciously with raging red eyes, ready to attack, and I can't help but applaud the VFX team. Just as the door is about to give, however, they hear a loud THUD. Charging in come the Wildlings, who've been residing south of the wall, led by a giant, presumably Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun (or "Wun Wun"), the only known giant who survived Hardhome. Looks like Dolorous Edd Tollett, who had left last episode to get their help, came through.
Thorne shouts "attack!," and we have a cute little fight in the yard. The Wildling leader, Tormund Giantsbane slices a man effortlessly. From the inaccessible haven of the first floor, an archer shoots Wun Wun on the shoulder. Wun Wun gets angry about the mosquito bite. The giant reaches out, grabs the mosquito by the leg, slams him against a wall, and slides him onto the ground.
I said last time that another battle between the Wildlings and The Night's Watch would be bad (for the Watch). The Watch only figured that out mid-fight. They all drop their weapons. Good idea, boys. Thorne walks up to the Wildlings disgusted with his craven fighters, and I bet, secretly wishing he had his own giant. He notices that Edd had brought the Wildlings, and calls him a "fucking traitor." Said the pot to the kettle. Edd says that the only traitors are those who shoved their knives into their Lord Commander's heart. Hear, hear.
Thorne: "For thousands of years, The Night's Watch has held Castle Black against the Wildlings."
Tormund: "Until you." Burn of the Day award goes to Tormund.
Olly goes completely nuts at this, for no apparent reason. The Wildlings restrain Olly, Thorne and the rest, and Edd decrees that they be put in cells. Edd takes Tormund, who's developed a liking to Jon Snow over the last season, to see Snow's body. Tormund says he will arrange for a fire, to burn the bodies, and leaves the room.
So at this juncture, it's already good news: Jon Snow is avenged quite satisfactorily with a very one-sided battle, Jon's killers have been thrown into cells, and we see that the Wildlings are quite prepared to fight alongside the Watch, need be. Little do we know, though, that David Benioff and Dan Weiss still have some generosity left.
King's Landing
The scene starts with a drunk commoner relating a risque anecdote about Cersei's Walk of Atonement. Soon after, he goes to relieve himself against a wall, where he probably shouldn't. As he's doing so, Ser Robert Strong (aka the Mountain, revived) walks by him. The commoner turns around and attempts to lubricate the knight's armor with his proprietary fluid, but the Mountain just gets "pissed" and slams his head against the wall like a hydraulic press on a watermelon. If only the Indian government took the same stance against public urination.
Cersei waits for the Mountain in her room, and she is seen pulling a loose thread from her funeral dress. When the Mountain arrives, she lets him escort her to Myrcella's funeral. We get another shot of that torn thread before she leaves, and that made me curious. Turns out there's some pretty deep symbolism in that action. This dress was the same dress that Cersei had worn to two previous funerals - Joffrey's and Tywin's. It's supposed to symbolize how much she's suffered and lost, to the point that her funeral clothes are falling apart. Amazing. It's all in the little details, people.
At the Great Sept, at Myrcella's funeral, we have a nice father-son-uncle-nephew moment, all with just two characters. Tommen explains why he wouldn't let Cersei come to the funeral - the Faith Militant forbade it. Tommen regrets not doing anything when Margaery and Cersei expected him to save them from the religious fanatics, and isn't meeting his mother out of remorse. Jaime consoles him and tells him to ask his mother for forgiveness.
The High Sparrow walks in, interrupting the King mid-conversation (and mid-funeral). Tommen runs off to see Cersei, while Jaime accuses the High Sparrow of being "a bold man." He tells Jaime that he fears the Gods, as well as death. He and Jaime talk about sins. Shut up old man, this is Game of Thrones; it's all sin. They parley (a lot) and Jaime draws his sword, while around 20 fighters from the Faith Militant magically come out from behind the pillars and surround them. Looks like privacy at funerals is against the principles of their belief. Jaime realizes he cannot kill the High Sparrow and still live himself. He allows Hector Salamanca to walk out with a smug expression. We'll see how long that lasts. A Lannister always pay his debts.
Tommen visits an understandably despondent Cersei, in her chambers. Cersei asks about Myrcella's gown color (gold, if it matters), after which Tommen apologizes for barring her from the funeral, and for laying eggs when the High Sparrow punished Cersei. He says he ought to have had them all killed, just as Cersei would have, for him.
Tommen: "You raised me to be strong. And I wasn't. But I want to be. Help me."
Cersei: "Always".
And that's the tale of how Tommen joined Cersei's Evil Kids coaching center. Cersei and Jaime now have a complete hold on Tommen to facilitate their family agenda. I expect that this will be the start of the Lannister family (minus Tyrion) getting payback for all the losses they have had to suffer.
Meereen
The scene opens with Tyrion drinking wine (why did I even bother stating that?) and making a eunuch joke upon Varys' disapproval. "If I lost my cock, I'd drink all the time". He then apologizes to Grey Worm, the Unsullied leader with no worm. Life with a dwarf and two eunuchs. Poor Missandei.
HBO Now summarizes this scene very aptly and succinctly as, "Tyrion demands good news, but he has to make his own." Poor Tyrion is flooded with bad tidings. Meereen's fleets are burned, without any indication of the culprit. All of Dany's un-slaving has been undone with Yunkai and Astapor returning to the Slavers. And the dragons are not eating. Tyrion decides to address this problem first.
Grey Worm gets one line - "If a dragon does not want to eat, how do you force him to eat?". Tyrion says that dragons don't do well in captivity. When asked how he knows this he says, "That's what I do. I drink and I know things." He gets all the good dialogues. He says that the dragons need to be freed. Using Missandei as an example, he states that dragons do not harm their friends, and takes it upon himself to get them to eat.
Tyrion goes down to the chamber holding the dragons, and walks up to them with a torch. Varys, who risked his life and position at King's Landing to get Tyrion here safely, has no complaints to Tyrion's ridiculously precarious plan and watches from the entrance of the cell. Tyrion talks to the dragons, saying he's friends with Danaerys.
Tyrion: "I'm here to help. Don't eat the help."
Viserion: "Dammit Rhaegal, we can't eat him now. Why? Oh, because he asked us. And as you know, all dragons must take orders from their dinner."
He keeps talking, describing the story of how he had asked his uncle for a dragon, and his sorrow to hear that they were all dead. But here they were, he says. The dragons by this point are quite docile, and seem to understand what he is saying. He removes each of their chains, thus allowing them to fly out and catch their own food.
With this move, Tyrion has slowly begun to build his resume to show to Danaerys, when she returns. The freeing of these dragons could also help him rule Meereen and solve the slavery problems in Astapor and Yunkai. Notably, people are taking Tyrion's ease of communication with the dragons to mean that he must be a Targaryen. I'm not yet fully on that train, for lack of evidence, but it's a possibility. We'll look out for anything else that points in that direction.
Braavos
Arya is still poor and blind, when the Waif shows up again to beat up Arya with sticks. Why she gets a high from doing so, we'll never know. Arya thrashes about wildly, always missing, but keeps getting hit. The Waif keeps asking Arya for her name, to which she correctly responds "No one," which is still, somehow, always wrong. At one point the Waif just walks away, leaving Arya in a violent brawl with the air. I'd say she lost that one too.
Suddenly, Jaqen H'ghar shows up and grabs her flailing stick, before she makes somebody else blind. An intense scene plays out where, in his icy voice, he offers her first a roof, then food, and then her eyesight, "if a girl says her name." She painfully rejects all three offers saying, "A girl has no name." She passes the test and H'ghar asks her to follow him. Arya follows him, thus on the road to becoming a trained fighter/ assassin. Also, can we just acknowledge that Maisie Williams plays a blind girl incredibly well?
Winterfell
Lord Karstark, the lord of one of the largest houses in the North, is doing menial messenger duty for Lord Bolton (first clue). He tells him that Sansa got away, and 6 of their men got killed. They talk of fetching Sansa from Castle Black, who will be with her brother Jon Snow, by killing Snow. They still don't know that Jon's dead, but it's a beautiful case of inconsequential ignorance, because they also don't know that other thing about Jon.
Bolton is against killing Jon Snow because everyone in the North will revolt. So will all Jon Snow fans, who've already been through a roller coaster of emotions. Ramsay tries to defend his mad plan and Lord Karstark supports him (second clue), but Lord Bolton slaps them with "If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you'll be treated as a mad dog."
Maester Wolkan comes in to announce the birth of Roose's first trueborn son, from Lady Walda. Karstark and Ramsay congratulate him and Roose Bolton tells Ramsay the one thing he should not not have said, and with witnesses around, no less.
Roose: "You'll always be my firstborn."
Ramsay: "Thank you for saying that. It means a great deal to me."
Inside, he's really thinking, "Thank you for saying that after getting married to Lady Walda. It means a great deal to my starving hounds."
He then stabs Roose Bolton in the stomach, and Roose collapses onto the ground. The maester gawks at Ramsay, while Lord Karstark watches without surprise. Yes, the murder was premeditated, with Lord Karstark in on it. Maester Wolkan is conveniently present as an amenable witness. Ramsay tells him to spread the word that Roose was poisoned by his enemies. He also calls for Lady Walda and his new brother. NO. WHY? Joffrey was a pink fluffy teddy bear compared to him.
Lady Walda meets Ramsay and lets him hold the baby. That was probably one of the tensest moments in the show. He smiles and returns the baby, and he asks her to follow him, when she asks for Lord Bolton. Lady Walda missed the Game of Thrones orientation. If Ramsay wants to takes you somewhere alone, you're about to die. Ramsay's cruelty reaches new heights when he takes her to the kennels and, long story short, lets his dogs feast on her and her newborn. Ramsay watches.
Outskirts of Winterfell
Brienne, Sansa, Theon and Podrick are chilling in a snowy forest. Brienne tells Sansa about Arya, when she was last seen with Sandor Clegane. She doesn't know which way Arya went, though. Sansa doesn't want to talk of Ramsay's mistreatment, but apologizes for not taking Brienne's help when they met earlier. What is it with these Stark girls both rejecting Brienne's help and travelling with dangerous male escorts (Sandor Clegane and Petyr Baelish) they barely know?
Podrick and Theon fetch firewood, and Podrick tries to light it up. Sansa has contributed literally nothing to this group project, and pretends like she doesn't know she should help. Brienne, in stark contrast, is an overzealous and extremely jobless knight, happy to swear oaths, serve and fight for anyone related (even remotely, I bet) to Catelyn Tully.
Stranger: "Brienne, you used to serve Catelyn Tully? I've seen her. I accidentally made eye contact with her when -"
Brienne: "- and keep your counsel, and give my life for yours if need be. I swear it by the old Gods and the new."
Stranger: "Lol cool"
Theon hears some horses and his special Ramsay sensor tingles. He tells Sansa that they aren't safe. Sansa says that they will be safe under Jon's protection at Castle Black. Theon voices his fears that Jon might have him killed for all his crimes to the Stark family and, after a touching speech, makes a decision that I did not see coming. He's going back home, to the Iron Islands.
Now that Theon is going back to his family's land, which is in a little corner of its own, I don't know if I'm really going to care about what happens to him. Let's see if he can give us a reason to care.
Iron Islands
Ah, the Iron Islands. A land so boring that even their God committed suicide by drowning himself.
Balon Greyjoy and his daughter Yara are in the midst of a long, terribly boring and inconsequential conversation about Balon's attempt to hold mainland castles. Most of the dialogues add no value to the scene. Here's a concise gist of the conversation:
Yara: "We're good fighters at sea, but on land, we can't even protect a small patch of grass. Last time we tried to fight a war on land, I lost 2 brothers. Don't try that again."
Balon: "No, I will."
Yara: "Why?"
Balon: "I'm king and I said so."
Yara: "Fuck."
Balon Greyjoy crosses a bridge between two towers, amidst a downpour of rain. Euron Greyjoy, Balon's younger brother shows up, blocking Balon's path. He is dressed like the Grim Reaper, and he goes on to play that role.
It's the simplest murder case ever: Euron wants to be king, so he decides to kill Balon. Before tossing Balon over the side of the bridge, he gives a vainglorious speech, including statements like "I am the Drowned God," and "I am the storm." Wow. Multi-talented guy. Looks like he deserves to be king.
At Balon's funeral, Yara Greyjoy swears to feed her father's killer to sharks. Touching. Then, she's told by the maester that she does not directly get to become the next ruler. Instead, it shall be decided by a kingsmoot (an election). Yara seems more upset about this than her father's death. Her face seems to say, "Goddammit. Now I need to find a bloody campaign manager."
Castle Black - 2
The last segment is back at Castle Black, currently the most happening location in Westeros.
Melisandre is staring at the hearth, deep in thought, when Davos walks into her room. We're so accustomed to Melisandre's profound clairvoyant statements that when we see her wallowing in mediocrity, it comes as quite a change. Davos says he wants to talk about the Lord Commander Jon Snow, and Melisandre corrects him, "the former Lord Commander."
Davos: "Does he have to be?"
Viewers: *Wait what? Don't screw with me.*
Melisandre: "What are you asking?"
Viewers: *Come on, Davos. Ask the right question.*
Davos: "Do you know of any magic... that could help him? Bring him back?"
Viewers: *Davos, you beaut. Holy shit, this is it.*
Melisandre is hesitant to elaborate, but Davos pushes and asks if she knew how to do the magic. He coaxes her into trying to do the magic by complimenting her powers (quite smoothly, too). Melisandre agrees to try. Davos was the real hero of the night, if you ask me.
The final scene is 6 minutes long, with Melisandre herself performing a long ritual that takes around 4 minutes of screen time. In case you want to revive some stabbed friends, here's how to do it.
Jon's revival ritual involves a visit to Melisandre's Rejuvenation Saloon, where she gives Jon a slow and sensual makeover. She first gives Jon Snow a bath, then a haircut, a beard trimming, a hair-wash, a head massage, and finally a body massage. The body massage seems to be the majority of the ritual, where she chants some Valyrian words, over and over. Melisandre's expression gets more and more desperate each time it fails, and the onlookers get agitated. Finally, out of desperation, Melisandre uses the ultimate magic word, that kids have been taught to use for ages, when they want something:
Kid: "I want some ice cream, and Jon Snow alive again."
Mom: "What's the magic word?"
Kid: "Please."
They wait for a few moments, before they all give up and leave the room. Davos is the last one to leave. We get an extended shot of Jon's dead body, with viewers at the edge of their seat, waiting for something to happen. Then, Ghost, who has been sleeping the whole time (priorities, huh?), wakes up eerily and stares at Jon's body. Viewers hold their breath. We see a shot of Jon again, and then in the last second of the episode, BAM! Millions of fans around the world are proved right, and outsmart one of the greatest TV shows of all time. Jon Snow takes huge heaving breaths, like those of a newborn child, and comes back to life. Who doesn't love a massage with a happy ending? ;)
Post Episode:
So, Jon Snow is alive, and everyone's grateful to Melisandre and the creators. He's breathing and he's not pale, so he's not a White Walker either (as some theories said). Somehow, I was never really certain he would come back. So when it did happen, I wasn't sitting smugly, like, "Yup, I knew it." No, I'm embarrassed to say, I was screaming ecstatically into a pillow. Also, I admit, I was wrong about him being alive inside Ghost. But hey, at least I was right about there being a supernatural connection between them (see how he wakes up just before Jon?).
Now that Jon's alive, he can take charge of the Watch again (poor Edd didn't even get one day of leadership), and plan ahead for the White Walkers. He will also be there to receive Sansa when (if) she comes to the Watch for sanctuary and can protect her from Ramsay if he tries to attack. Lastly, he can appoint Sam Tarly as Maester when he gets back from his training at the Citadel.
Also, unlike most amazing deals in life, Melisandre's revival trick is more than a one-time thing. If Jon dies again, she can happily revive him again. The creators know, of course, that that makes for a terrible plot, so we can expect that Jon won't need to be re-revived anytime soon. I hope.
As always, give me your feedback, good or bad. I'm learning as I write.
--- SPOILER AND SPECULATION ALERT ---
*... dum dum dumdum, dum dum dumdum, dum dum dumdum, DMMM.*
North of the Wall:
We start inside the cave of The Three-Eyed Raven, where the Children of the Forest hide from the rest of the world. This storyline is very new territory for most fans.
Puberty has hit Bran like nothing else has (and keep in mind that he's fallen from a tower and hit the ground). Bran has been at the cave with his mentor, Mr. Three-Eyed Raven, since the end of Season 4, and they're seen tripping together on an uncomfortable weirwood bed. It looks like the two of them are doing their best 'Arya' impressions with their eyes, but they are actually greenseeing into the past.
In the vision, we see little Eddard and Benjen Stark, fighting cutely in a happy Stark-ruled Winterfell. Their elder sister Lyanna Stark, rides in on horseback. She asks Ben who he'd spar with when Ned goes to the Eyrie to be fostered by Jon Arryn, and suggests the enormous stableboy, Wylis. Clearly, Lyanna isn't all that concerned with Ben's well-being.
Young Hodor, under the moniker Wylis, has been going to SAT classes and speaks fluently. Ned judges that the unskilled Wylis is a fair match for Benjen, and the two pick up their wooden arms. However, Hodor's mum, Old Nan, comes running out and forbids him from fighting. It seems that the traumatizing embarrassment of that was enough to drive him incapable of speech.
Bran is then told that it's time to leave but he doesn't want to. Mr. Miyagi gives zero fucks and forces him out of the vision, likening too much greenseeing to drowning in the ocean. Bran says, "I wasn't drowning. I was home." Bran then sees the present Hodor and they have a conversation. Here's a rough translation:
Bran: "Wylis"
Hodor: "You tripping? It's Hodor."
Bran: "I saw you as a boy. You could talk. What happened?"
Hodor: "If I could tell you, would we be having this conversation? And why did it take you 6 seasons to ask me that, you inconsiderate little shit?"
Bran: "Where's Meera?"
Hodor: "No. NO. You're getting WAY too heavy for that, you pubescent vegetable. Do I look like your bloody camel? I am not carrying you to her."
Hodor carries Bran to Meera. Outside, Bran tells her about Hodor's past, but she's preoccupied with something else: the coming war. More importantly, she's upset that Bran is training unproductively inside the cave, and voices her opinion. Snubbed, Bran decides to leave. Hodor barely gets a break, and has to carry Bran back. Poor guy was probably so disappointed when he found that the Three-Eyed Raven wasn't teaching Bran how to actually fly. After they leave, one of the 'Children' reassures Meera that this phase is temporary, and that Bran will soon need her help, 'out there.'
This is just an introductory scene to establish what Bran's powers are - he can look into his family's past. It also introduces Lyanna Stark, a dead but important character in the show. I believe Bran's powers could be the show's way of revealing some facts and secrets that no one else alive possibly can. Perhaps even secrets like R + L = J? Anyhow, we can be sure to expect some more visions with Bran in the coming episodes. It's like the only thing interesting about him.
Castle Black
It's the best episode for the Castle Black plotline.
It's night, and Thorne and his treacherous compadres are waiting for Davos' team to come out in 'peace'. Thorne has men with crossbows at the ready, and inside, everyone draws their swords too. It's going to be Pandavas vs. 2/5th of the Kauravas. Thorne sees that peace isn't an option and he gets a man to start hacking at the wooden door with an axe. Davos and co. just stand and watch as the door gets assaulted. They should do something, at least move a little away. Splinter is coming.
Ghost growls viciously with raging red eyes, ready to attack, and I can't help but applaud the VFX team. Just as the door is about to give, however, they hear a loud THUD. Charging in come the Wildlings, who've been residing south of the wall, led by a giant, presumably Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun (or "Wun Wun"), the only known giant who survived Hardhome. Looks like Dolorous Edd Tollett, who had left last episode to get their help, came through.
Thorne shouts "attack!," and we have a cute little fight in the yard. The Wildling leader, Tormund Giantsbane slices a man effortlessly. From the inaccessible haven of the first floor, an archer shoots Wun Wun on the shoulder. Wun Wun gets angry about the mosquito bite. The giant reaches out, grabs the mosquito by the leg, slams him against a wall, and slides him onto the ground.
I said last time that another battle between the Wildlings and The Night's Watch would be bad (for the Watch). The Watch only figured that out mid-fight. They all drop their weapons. Good idea, boys. Thorne walks up to the Wildlings disgusted with his craven fighters, and I bet, secretly wishing he had his own giant. He notices that Edd had brought the Wildlings, and calls him a "fucking traitor." Said the pot to the kettle. Edd says that the only traitors are those who shoved their knives into their Lord Commander's heart. Hear, hear.
Thorne: "For thousands of years, The Night's Watch has held Castle Black against the Wildlings."
Tormund: "Until you." Burn of the Day award goes to Tormund.
Olly goes completely nuts at this, for no apparent reason. The Wildlings restrain Olly, Thorne and the rest, and Edd decrees that they be put in cells. Edd takes Tormund, who's developed a liking to Jon Snow over the last season, to see Snow's body. Tormund says he will arrange for a fire, to burn the bodies, and leaves the room.
So at this juncture, it's already good news: Jon Snow is avenged quite satisfactorily with a very one-sided battle, Jon's killers have been thrown into cells, and we see that the Wildlings are quite prepared to fight alongside the Watch, need be. Little do we know, though, that David Benioff and Dan Weiss still have some generosity left.
King's Landing
The scene starts with a drunk commoner relating a risque anecdote about Cersei's Walk of Atonement. Soon after, he goes to relieve himself against a wall, where he probably shouldn't. As he's doing so, Ser Robert Strong (aka the Mountain, revived) walks by him. The commoner turns around and attempts to lubricate the knight's armor with his proprietary fluid, but the Mountain just gets "pissed" and slams his head against the wall like a hydraulic press on a watermelon. If only the Indian government took the same stance against public urination.
Cersei waits for the Mountain in her room, and she is seen pulling a loose thread from her funeral dress. When the Mountain arrives, she lets him escort her to Myrcella's funeral. We get another shot of that torn thread before she leaves, and that made me curious. Turns out there's some pretty deep symbolism in that action. This dress was the same dress that Cersei had worn to two previous funerals - Joffrey's and Tywin's. It's supposed to symbolize how much she's suffered and lost, to the point that her funeral clothes are falling apart. Amazing. It's all in the little details, people.
At the Great Sept, at Myrcella's funeral, we have a nice father-son-uncle-nephew moment, all with just two characters. Tommen explains why he wouldn't let Cersei come to the funeral - the Faith Militant forbade it. Tommen regrets not doing anything when Margaery and Cersei expected him to save them from the religious fanatics, and isn't meeting his mother out of remorse. Jaime consoles him and tells him to ask his mother for forgiveness.
The High Sparrow walks in, interrupting the King mid-conversation (and mid-funeral). Tommen runs off to see Cersei, while Jaime accuses the High Sparrow of being "a bold man." He tells Jaime that he fears the Gods, as well as death. He and Jaime talk about sins. Shut up old man, this is Game of Thrones; it's all sin. They parley (a lot) and Jaime draws his sword, while around 20 fighters from the Faith Militant magically come out from behind the pillars and surround them. Looks like privacy at funerals is against the principles of their belief. Jaime realizes he cannot kill the High Sparrow and still live himself. He allows Hector Salamanca to walk out with a smug expression. We'll see how long that lasts. A Lannister always pay his debts.
Tommen visits an understandably despondent Cersei, in her chambers. Cersei asks about Myrcella's gown color (gold, if it matters), after which Tommen apologizes for barring her from the funeral, and for laying eggs when the High Sparrow punished Cersei. He says he ought to have had them all killed, just as Cersei would have, for him.
Tommen: "You raised me to be strong. And I wasn't. But I want to be. Help me."
Cersei: "Always".
And that's the tale of how Tommen joined Cersei's Evil Kids coaching center. Cersei and Jaime now have a complete hold on Tommen to facilitate their family agenda. I expect that this will be the start of the Lannister family (minus Tyrion) getting payback for all the losses they have had to suffer.
Meereen
The scene opens with Tyrion drinking wine (why did I even bother stating that?) and making a eunuch joke upon Varys' disapproval. "If I lost my cock, I'd drink all the time". He then apologizes to Grey Worm, the Unsullied leader with no worm. Life with a dwarf and two eunuchs. Poor Missandei.
HBO Now summarizes this scene very aptly and succinctly as, "Tyrion demands good news, but he has to make his own." Poor Tyrion is flooded with bad tidings. Meereen's fleets are burned, without any indication of the culprit. All of Dany's un-slaving has been undone with Yunkai and Astapor returning to the Slavers. And the dragons are not eating. Tyrion decides to address this problem first.
Grey Worm gets one line - "If a dragon does not want to eat, how do you force him to eat?". Tyrion says that dragons don't do well in captivity. When asked how he knows this he says, "That's what I do. I drink and I know things." He gets all the good dialogues. He says that the dragons need to be freed. Using Missandei as an example, he states that dragons do not harm their friends, and takes it upon himself to get them to eat.
Tyrion goes down to the chamber holding the dragons, and walks up to them with a torch. Varys, who risked his life and position at King's Landing to get Tyrion here safely, has no complaints to Tyrion's ridiculously precarious plan and watches from the entrance of the cell. Tyrion talks to the dragons, saying he's friends with Danaerys.
Tyrion: "I'm here to help. Don't eat the help."
Viserion: "Dammit Rhaegal, we can't eat him now. Why? Oh, because he asked us. And as you know, all dragons must take orders from their dinner."
He keeps talking, describing the story of how he had asked his uncle for a dragon, and his sorrow to hear that they were all dead. But here they were, he says. The dragons by this point are quite docile, and seem to understand what he is saying. He removes each of their chains, thus allowing them to fly out and catch their own food.
With this move, Tyrion has slowly begun to build his resume to show to Danaerys, when she returns. The freeing of these dragons could also help him rule Meereen and solve the slavery problems in Astapor and Yunkai. Notably, people are taking Tyrion's ease of communication with the dragons to mean that he must be a Targaryen. I'm not yet fully on that train, for lack of evidence, but it's a possibility. We'll look out for anything else that points in that direction.
Braavos
Arya is still poor and blind, when the Waif shows up again to beat up Arya with sticks. Why she gets a high from doing so, we'll never know. Arya thrashes about wildly, always missing, but keeps getting hit. The Waif keeps asking Arya for her name, to which she correctly responds "No one," which is still, somehow, always wrong. At one point the Waif just walks away, leaving Arya in a violent brawl with the air. I'd say she lost that one too.
Suddenly, Jaqen H'ghar shows up and grabs her flailing stick, before she makes somebody else blind. An intense scene plays out where, in his icy voice, he offers her first a roof, then food, and then her eyesight, "if a girl says her name." She painfully rejects all three offers saying, "A girl has no name." She passes the test and H'ghar asks her to follow him. Arya follows him, thus on the road to becoming a trained fighter/ assassin. Also, can we just acknowledge that Maisie Williams plays a blind girl incredibly well?
Winterfell
Lord Karstark, the lord of one of the largest houses in the North, is doing menial messenger duty for Lord Bolton (first clue). He tells him that Sansa got away, and 6 of their men got killed. They talk of fetching Sansa from Castle Black, who will be with her brother Jon Snow, by killing Snow. They still don't know that Jon's dead, but it's a beautiful case of inconsequential ignorance, because they also don't know that other thing about Jon.
Bolton is against killing Jon Snow because everyone in the North will revolt. So will all Jon Snow fans, who've already been through a roller coaster of emotions. Ramsay tries to defend his mad plan and Lord Karstark supports him (second clue), but Lord Bolton slaps them with "If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you'll be treated as a mad dog."
Maester Wolkan comes in to announce the birth of Roose's first trueborn son, from Lady Walda. Karstark and Ramsay congratulate him and Roose Bolton tells Ramsay the one thing he should not not have said, and with witnesses around, no less.
Roose: "You'll always be my firstborn."
Ramsay: "Thank you for saying that. It means a great deal to me."
Inside, he's really thinking, "Thank you for saying that after getting married to Lady Walda. It means a great deal to my starving hounds."
He then stabs Roose Bolton in the stomach, and Roose collapses onto the ground. The maester gawks at Ramsay, while Lord Karstark watches without surprise. Yes, the murder was premeditated, with Lord Karstark in on it. Maester Wolkan is conveniently present as an amenable witness. Ramsay tells him to spread the word that Roose was poisoned by his enemies. He also calls for Lady Walda and his new brother. NO. WHY? Joffrey was a pink fluffy teddy bear compared to him.
Lady Walda meets Ramsay and lets him hold the baby. That was probably one of the tensest moments in the show. He smiles and returns the baby, and he asks her to follow him, when she asks for Lord Bolton. Lady Walda missed the Game of Thrones orientation. If Ramsay wants to takes you somewhere alone, you're about to die. Ramsay's cruelty reaches new heights when he takes her to the kennels and, long story short, lets his dogs feast on her and her newborn. Ramsay watches.
Outskirts of Winterfell
Brienne, Sansa, Theon and Podrick are chilling in a snowy forest. Brienne tells Sansa about Arya, when she was last seen with Sandor Clegane. She doesn't know which way Arya went, though. Sansa doesn't want to talk of Ramsay's mistreatment, but apologizes for not taking Brienne's help when they met earlier. What is it with these Stark girls both rejecting Brienne's help and travelling with dangerous male escorts (Sandor Clegane and Petyr Baelish) they barely know?
Podrick and Theon fetch firewood, and Podrick tries to light it up. Sansa has contributed literally nothing to this group project, and pretends like she doesn't know she should help. Brienne, in stark contrast, is an overzealous and extremely jobless knight, happy to swear oaths, serve and fight for anyone related (even remotely, I bet) to Catelyn Tully.
Stranger: "Brienne, you used to serve Catelyn Tully? I've seen her. I accidentally made eye contact with her when -"
Brienne: "- and keep your counsel, and give my life for yours if need be. I swear it by the old Gods and the new."
Stranger: "Lol cool"
Theon hears some horses and his special Ramsay sensor tingles. He tells Sansa that they aren't safe. Sansa says that they will be safe under Jon's protection at Castle Black. Theon voices his fears that Jon might have him killed for all his crimes to the Stark family and, after a touching speech, makes a decision that I did not see coming. He's going back home, to the Iron Islands.
Now that Theon is going back to his family's land, which is in a little corner of its own, I don't know if I'm really going to care about what happens to him. Let's see if he can give us a reason to care.
Iron Islands
Ah, the Iron Islands. A land so boring that even their God committed suicide by drowning himself.
Balon Greyjoy and his daughter Yara are in the midst of a long, terribly boring and inconsequential conversation about Balon's attempt to hold mainland castles. Most of the dialogues add no value to the scene. Here's a concise gist of the conversation:
Yara: "We're good fighters at sea, but on land, we can't even protect a small patch of grass. Last time we tried to fight a war on land, I lost 2 brothers. Don't try that again."
Balon: "No, I will."
Yara: "Why?"
Balon: "I'm king and I said so."
Yara: "Fuck."
Balon Greyjoy crosses a bridge between two towers, amidst a downpour of rain. Euron Greyjoy, Balon's younger brother shows up, blocking Balon's path. He is dressed like the Grim Reaper, and he goes on to play that role.
It's the simplest murder case ever: Euron wants to be king, so he decides to kill Balon. Before tossing Balon over the side of the bridge, he gives a vainglorious speech, including statements like "I am the Drowned God," and "I am the storm." Wow. Multi-talented guy. Looks like he deserves to be king.
At Balon's funeral, Yara Greyjoy swears to feed her father's killer to sharks. Touching. Then, she's told by the maester that she does not directly get to become the next ruler. Instead, it shall be decided by a kingsmoot (an election). Yara seems more upset about this than her father's death. Her face seems to say, "Goddammit. Now I need to find a bloody campaign manager."
Castle Black - 2
The last segment is back at Castle Black, currently the most happening location in Westeros.
Melisandre is staring at the hearth, deep in thought, when Davos walks into her room. We're so accustomed to Melisandre's profound clairvoyant statements that when we see her wallowing in mediocrity, it comes as quite a change. Davos says he wants to talk about the Lord Commander Jon Snow, and Melisandre corrects him, "the former Lord Commander."
Davos: "Does he have to be?"
Viewers: *Wait what? Don't screw with me.*
Melisandre: "What are you asking?"
Viewers: *Come on, Davos. Ask the right question.*
Davos: "Do you know of any magic... that could help him? Bring him back?"
Viewers: *Davos, you beaut. Holy shit, this is it.*
Melisandre is hesitant to elaborate, but Davos pushes and asks if she knew how to do the magic. He coaxes her into trying to do the magic by complimenting her powers (quite smoothly, too). Melisandre agrees to try. Davos was the real hero of the night, if you ask me.
The final scene is 6 minutes long, with Melisandre herself performing a long ritual that takes around 4 minutes of screen time. In case you want to revive some stabbed friends, here's how to do it.
Jon's revival ritual involves a visit to Melisandre's Rejuvenation Saloon, where she gives Jon a slow and sensual makeover. She first gives Jon Snow a bath, then a haircut, a beard trimming, a hair-wash, a head massage, and finally a body massage. The body massage seems to be the majority of the ritual, where she chants some Valyrian words, over and over. Melisandre's expression gets more and more desperate each time it fails, and the onlookers get agitated. Finally, out of desperation, Melisandre uses the ultimate magic word, that kids have been taught to use for ages, when they want something:
Kid: "I want some ice cream, and Jon Snow alive again."
Mom: "What's the magic word?"
Kid: "Please."
They wait for a few moments, before they all give up and leave the room. Davos is the last one to leave. We get an extended shot of Jon's dead body, with viewers at the edge of their seat, waiting for something to happen. Then, Ghost, who has been sleeping the whole time (priorities, huh?), wakes up eerily and stares at Jon's body. Viewers hold their breath. We see a shot of Jon again, and then in the last second of the episode, BAM! Millions of fans around the world are proved right, and outsmart one of the greatest TV shows of all time. Jon Snow takes huge heaving breaths, like those of a newborn child, and comes back to life. Who doesn't love a massage with a happy ending? ;)
Post Episode:
So, Jon Snow is alive, and everyone's grateful to Melisandre and the creators. He's breathing and he's not pale, so he's not a White Walker either (as some theories said). Somehow, I was never really certain he would come back. So when it did happen, I wasn't sitting smugly, like, "Yup, I knew it." No, I'm embarrassed to say, I was screaming ecstatically into a pillow. Also, I admit, I was wrong about him being alive inside Ghost. But hey, at least I was right about there being a supernatural connection between them (see how he wakes up just before Jon?).
Now that Jon's alive, he can take charge of the Watch again (poor Edd didn't even get one day of leadership), and plan ahead for the White Walkers. He will also be there to receive Sansa when (if) she comes to the Watch for sanctuary and can protect her from Ramsay if he tries to attack. Lastly, he can appoint Sam Tarly as Maester when he gets back from his training at the Citadel.
Also, unlike most amazing deals in life, Melisandre's revival trick is more than a one-time thing. If Jon dies again, she can happily revive him again. The creators know, of course, that that makes for a terrible plot, so we can expect that Jon won't need to be re-revived anytime soon. I hope.
As always, give me your feedback, good or bad. I'm learning as I write.
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